When Never Came
by KPfeifferpack
Summary: The battle's done and they've kinda won, so what now? After Chosen, Buffy hears a tale from Xander that alters her direction and they both are left with ghosts of all those "I'll never" moments now that never has occurred.
1. Chapter 1

**When ****"Never" Came** by **pfeifferpack**

**Summary:**

The battle's done and they've kinda won, so what now? After Chosen, Buffy hears a tale from Xander that alters her direction and they both are left with ghosts of all those "I'll never" moments now that never has occurred.

******Genres: **Angst  
><strong>Warnings: <strong>Character Death  
><strong><br>**

Chapter 1

Buffy stood at the crater's edge, not certain of what she was feeling. No, that was not so. She knew she was feeling too much, much too much. For a girl who preferred ignoring the emotional side of her life, she was in extreme emotional overload.

Her life was one big hole in the ground. Her home, the place she and her mother had turned into the one place on earth where Buffy felt totally safe, was rubble buried under rubble. Within it were the bits and pieces that made up her entire life. All the mementos, heirlooms, cherished reminders of events and people-some also gone forever. Buffy remembered how survivors of disasters always put a brave face on their loss with comments like, "At least we're alive. That's what's important. It's only things."

_"You're an evil disgusting THING with no good in you!"_

Things. Turns out things matter and that not all "things" are just things.

Buffy sighed deeply and realized someone had just spoken to her. Giles was wondering what had caused the extreme destruction they were overlooking. She didn't even to turn to look at him as she answered, "Spike."

Buffy slowly became aware of the conversations surrounding her. Where to go from there, how relieved they were to be alive, to have won the day. Lame jokes, the sort that people make when in shock-at least she hoped they weren't all so callused that the humor meant a lack of feeling.

No, had to be the shock. Willow would never have a pebble for Tara's grave again, no long talks with lost loves in the cool of the cemetery. Xander would no longer have Anya to fight with and be embarrassed by and love to distraction. Lives and livelihoods were in that deep hole. Dreams and hopes sucked into the pit of hell that still belched the odd gasp of smoke as the debris crumbled.

Spike had been the savior. She could see him in her mind's eye now as he smiled in resignation to her latest run from emotional commitment and headed to her back door. "We'll go be heroes," he'd said and so he had done.

She supposed he had expected to perish from the moment he accepted that awful gaudy necklace and pledged himself to be her champion. He hadn't said a word. No complaint, no hint of fear. Even looking over the edge to the masses of Turok Han roiling like demonic meat boiling in hell's cauldron, he hadn't shown the terror he had to have felt. The damage done to him by just one of those beasts was enough to put fear into anyone when faced with them again. Spike had looked upon his torturer times a million or more and hadn't fled.

In the end, the great sharing of power, the dandy new Slayer toy that could slice and dice and hide in solid rock for millennia, the battle-eager new Slayers…all of that had not the power to stop the apocalypse at hand. The best they could have achieved would have been to slow down the demons as they spilled out of the Hellmouth, maybe kill a few hundred if they were lucky. It was Spike and his self-sacrifice that did the job. What had Angel said that necklace would do? Oh yeah, something about scrubbing bubbles. Well, it had scrubbed all right, scrubbed the Hellmouth clean and closed it up at the cost of Spike.

She had seen him as he started to dust and had not looked back to watch him crumble. In the end, she had finally realized what she felt for the vampire who loved her at such great cost to himself. She admitted what she felt, HAD felt for much longer than she imagined possible. It had startled her as the feelings came out in that one sentence: "I love you." A sentence spoken too late to matter much, if at all. Her frozen heart had finally melted, but the heat that did it was the burning body of her love.

_"If I do, Spike, it wouldn't be you. It will never be you."_

Buffy could see him in that alley now. So many alleys filled with bad memories were in that hole. Alleys where she had beaten and bruised and verbally flayed the vampire who just kept coming back for more. It was like the only answer he had to any of her abuse was, "I love you." Well, sometimes, "I love you, bitch!" _**Never**_ came and it WAS _him_ after all. Now the band was buried, complete with seventy-six bloody trombones, and the dancehall closed. The only dance partner she wanted was gone to dust and buried beneath actual _things_.

Just before the battle Buffy had still been trying to deny the depth of her feelings for Spike. Angel had come and she had leapt on the chance to tell herself that she still loved Angel too much to be in love with Spike. If that had been true, though, she would have denied her feelings for Spike when Angel asked. But she couldn't and Angel could tell.

Buffy wasn't kidding herself; had Spike survived this battle she would likely have done the same dance she had been doing for years. She would pull him close, refuse to let him move on but withhold any promises herself. Her fears were still too much a part of her emotional make-up. You let a guy know how much you care and they leave! Her dad, Angel, Giles…the list went on and on and now fate handed her the final joke by having Spike leave her life right after those words left her lips. This time wasn't quite the same. Spike left saving the world, but in the end he still left.

She remembered several times over the years when Spike had said, usually as a joke, that he wanted to save the world. He finally did just that. He'd been helping to do that for years, long before he reclaimed his soul. The hero potential had always been there. In a sense, he was another of the Potentials that came into his own just as the girls had done. Buffy smiled.

"So, where to now?" Buffy wasn't sure who had asked that and only half-listened as different ideas were discussed. Giles finally spoke as de facto leader, "I would suggest we get the wounded to a medical facility. I imagine the authorities will believe any story we care to tell…a large sinkhole perhaps. With Robin along, we will have no trouble explaining our presence on a school bus. I suggest a pose of befuddled confusion. It will be expected. We will need to keep Faith hidden until I can arrange for her pardon and official release."

Plans were discussed and preparations were made, all while Buffy stood smiling down at the ruins that represented her life, her love. She was proud of Spike. Proud and so much more. The anger would come, anger that he hadn't escaped, would never be there in her life again. That was one of the stages of grief, according to the counselor she had met with briefly when her mother had died. Yes, there would be anger in time, but right now she mostly just felt numb.

She remembered another time as her loved ones sang hand in hand, "The battle's done and we kinda won…." It felt that way now. Spike had gone then too, but he'd been alive enough for her to chase down and kiss that time. Now…well, now just didn't bear thinking about.

_"It would NEVER be you, Spike."_

But in the end, when never came, it WAS Spike and likely always would be in her heart of hearts.

Everyone had reboarded the school bus and were making ready to leave. Buffy continued to smile down on the crater, lost in her thoughts and churning emotions. Xander edged up to her side, his remaining good eye able to watch her peripherally.

His words died on his lips as he took in her tear-filled eyes and trembling smile. Much as he hated to admit it, Xander knew that losing Spike had not been easy for his friend. They needed to leave, but Xander understood the pull of the crater, the need to remain a while. Anya was down there as well, after all.

Xander was fairly sure he would never be able to fully express all that Anya had become to him. She had come into his life as almost a consolation prize after he had lost Cordelia. His losing Cordy had actually been the entire reason Anya WAS. She had come to curse him for Cordy and ended up dying to try to save the world. It was a long journey that he had failed to fully appreciate for too long.

He had focused so much on his own fears that he never understood just how frightened Anya had always been. Frightened yet brave, that was his girl. As geeky as Xander had been, so Aud had been in her own time. The human that had become a demon was a misfit even in her own world. The only time she ever felt confident had been as a vengeance demon. She knew what she was and what she was doing then. It was the human day-to-day stuff that threw her for a loop. Still she just kept trying, even when not given credit for it.

Ever since he had bungled his wedding to Anya and driven her away from her own humanity again, Xander felt like he had aged centuries. 'I feel as old as any vampire, only not so powerful or buff,' he thought. Seemed like everything that happened after losing Anya just added up to more and more pain. Things had just started to look up a bit before this last battle and now Anya was lost to him forever.

Somehow it all seemed anticlimactic to lose her this way. Anya had been born long before even the oldest vampire Xander knew, older than the Master even. She had been human three times and a demon twice and now was nothing more than one of many bodies buried beneath a town that never appreciated her many charms.

She hadn't run this time and Xander wished she had. He smiled as he remembered the first apocalypse after her return to humanity. They were taking on Mayor Wilkins, Snake King, and Anya had told Xander that she did not want him dead in that blunt way she had of expressing her deepest feelings. Well, he didn't want her dead now either!

Before the battle, they had started to become friends and that was a first. They had jumped right into being lovers the first time. This time, even with the sexcapades towards the end, they had actually connected on other levels. All those Anya things he had never bothered himself to even ask-like "Why are you afraid of bunnies?"-had become topics of conversation.

Xander was astonished now to realize how little they had valued the wisdom of her centuries of living. Anya had a thousand plus years of experience in multiple dimensions, even ones with lethal giant rabbits. She had firsthand experience with things and beings the entire Watchers Council library barely touched upon, if at all. It was bad enough that none of the Scoobies, even Giles, had ever used her remarkable insights and information, but downright shameful that he, who claimed to love her, had not either. Too late now.

Xander had worried that he would be just like his father, and so to avoid hurting Anya, he nearly destroyed her! Now he could see that he was maturing well beyond the point his father had stopped and there was no Anya to share the journey. Maybe she would never have trusted him enough to ever get back together again, but Xander had come to hope. Xander would like to think she would have noticed the subtle changes in him.

Xander looked over at Buffy and felt his heart break for her too. Spike had never been his favorite person in the world, but the fact that he even thought of the words "person" and "Spike" as synonyms revealed a radical change in thought. The bleached wonder had come through for them all; even Xander had to admit that.

Funny, it was seeing Spike with a soul and noticing there were few differences from the unsouled version that made Xander re-evaluate the vampire. Hindsight and a bit of mature compassion on his side had led to a new understanding of Spike and of Buffy's attraction to the vamp.

Poor Buffy, her love life was as bleak as his, Xander decided. He could see that empty look in her eye, like the look she'd had just after graduation when Angel did them all a favor and moved to L.A. Somehow Xander thought this loss might cut her even deeper in the long run.

Thinking of Anya again, Xander remembered his rash conjuring of the song and dance demon. He tried not to think of that too often because it opened up a big can of worms that led to thoughts of the not good. Still, he remembered their retro pastiche song and dance number with a wistful smile. "I'll Never Tell" had sounded silly as their secrets spilled out in song.

Anya had a deep fear of rejection and that was exactly what he had done to her by leaving her at the altar. She didn't have to worry about aging and losing him; he had walked out when she was young and beautiful and in her prime!

She was so afraid of aging, losing her appeal. Sad to realize she felt her worth was her face and body, but then when had he ever made her feel otherwise? He winced as he thought of how often he had asked her to be quiet or had corrected her manners. No wonder she didn't think he valued her mind or spirit! She really had come to think her only importance to him was in the orgasms she gave him.

Death terrified her too. She hadn't had to even consider death and possible afterlife all the while she was a vengeance demon. Being human made her feel so vulnerable. Funny, they all acted as if Anya was tough, strong and not all hurtable, but she was really quite fragile.

Xander didn't want to think too much about that afterlife part. He had the same visions of heaven and hell most people pick up from Western culture and knew there were real hell dimensions from their experiences on the Hellmouth. Buffy had sworn she was in heaven too. Xander hoped Anya's sacrifice had earned her points towards a get-out-of-hell-free card. He even wished the same for Spike!

Anya had never expressed any remorse for her deeds as a vengeance demon, except for those frat boys at the end. In fact, her often gleeful stories had repelled them all over the years. She never seemed to regret any eviscerations, maimings, killings or torture that she had caused. They hadn't even embarrassed her. She seemed more amused than anything about the chaos several of her granted wishes had caused.

Funny how none of them had ever held her accountable. Xander thought he might have been "correcting" the wrong things with Anya. Instead of telling her not to talk of disgusting things, he should have explained why they were disgusting to him. Rather than just telling her to shut up, he should have explained the offended morality of her listeners. Maybe that way, instead of just being critical, he could have helped her learn how to deal with being a human.

Even Spike with no soul had shown some remorse, at least when someone he loved was hurt by something he did or said. Anya was only starting to learn social graces. Maybe it wasn't the soul at all, just a difference in viewpoint from demon to human. Now Xander would never know.

The fears Xander had of not measuring up had poured out in that song too, but not clearly enough to warn Anya in time. The dark demons that wore his father's face and spoke with his father's slurred speech had tormented him all his life. Every time Xander did something he wasn't proud of, it seemed to confirm to him that he was a chip off the old block after all.

Now Anya was gone and all Xander wanted was one more chance to hold her, to talk to her. He wanted to explain why he left her on the day she should have felt nothing but joy. He wanted to tell her that he had learned that he didn't have to become a copy of his drunken dad. He wanted to say all those things that he said he'd "never tell" and throw himself on her merciful love.

"Looks like 'never' came and there's no one to tell after all," he said with a tragic sigh.

"What did you say?" Buffy looked at Xander like a deer caught in headlights.

"You okay, Buff?" Xander was a bit worried, because she had paled at his comment. "I was just thinking about something with Anya and talking out loud."

"I thought you were reading my mind, Xan," Buffy whispered. "It gives me the wiggins we're both thinking with the same words."

"Come on, fearless leader, the bus is about to leave us here in the literal middle of nowhere," Xander grinned and put a hand to Buffy's elbow, encouraging her to leave the gaping hole in their collective world.

"So I'm a leader again?" Buffy asked. It still stung that they had abandoned her and distrusted her abilities just before the battle. She loved her friends but would never feel quite the same about them after that. In fact, if Giles thought she was going to happily skip off to England and help rebuild the Council, he had another thought coming to him. She could, and did, forgive them all, but some things were easier forgiven with some miles between.

Xander had felt her stiffen as she asked and felt the guilt sweep over him. It had not been fair to blame Buffy for his loss of an eye. With the sort of lives they had all lived for years, it was a wonder they weren't all like the one-eyed, one-eared, one-legged dog answering to the name 'Lucky'. Buffy had never forced any of them into battle and never been reckless with their lives. Yet another lesson learned too late. Xander could feel the distance between the Scoobies and Buffy like a physical thing.

"Yes, Buffy, you always have been a leader. Sometimes your followers kinda went off in another direction….." Xander gave a weak smile and a shrug.

They had arrived at the bus and Buffy preceded Xander aboard. "Let's get everyone to the hospital who needs it and find a motel for the night. I need a bath and some serious sleep," Buffy ordered.

"What direction would you suggest?" Giles asked, showing his desire to let Buffy be general again.

"I guess towards L.A.," Buffy said with a tired sigh. "There's a couple of decent-sized towns with hospitals between here and there. Besides, Angel was going to set up a second front. We need to let him know the bad guys are toasted."

"Along with some of the good," Xander muttered as the bus slowly pulled away.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2 and Epilogue 

The motel was cheap but still offered a pool. No one felt much like swimming, even if the pool had been more inviting than it actually looked.  
>The murky water in the small, square concrete hole was nearly invisible to Buffy as she wandered inside the gated area and plopped down on the cleanest looking poolside chair. Somehow the murky water was a perfect match to her mood.<p>

To her, the pool and its darkness was an acceptable oasis of quiet in a desert of voices all competing for attention. Excited jabbering of girls realizing they had a future after all, mixed with the more subdued tones of the veterans who knew this was only a temporary break in the neverending battle. Buffy just wanted time to be alone with her thoughts, or perhaps time to not think at all would be more accurate.

She started as she heard the creak of the metal gate. 'Is there no place for some peace?' she wondered. She was slightly mollified to note the intruder was Xander. He had been as pensive as she was all day. Perhaps misery truly did enjoy company.

"Hey, Xan, how're you holdin' up?" Buffy sincerely felt terrible that Anya had not made it out of the Hellmouth. It had been easy to see that Xander and Anya were slowly working their way back to each other.

Maybe, like she and Spike, their only chance had been thrown away in that last awful year. Maybe she and Xander were doomed to living with the knowledge that they had been so close to happiness, only to lose any second chance in that great gaping hole of death and destruction they had once called home.

"Been better. You?" Xander smiled wanly, his one good eye looking dead in his pale face.

"I am sorry about Anya," Buffy said and touched his hand gently. "Not just today, but all the time we kept her on the fringe, never let her in. I'm mostly sorry that I'll never get the chance to tell her that."

Xander had a faraway look for a moment. He began to hum a tune that sounded like it belonged in a musical or something. Finally, his good eye snapped open and he gave a slight, ironic laugh. "That was the song, you know." Buffy looked at Xander in complete confusion. "With the song and dance demon…you remember, Xander does the bad thing part two or three thousand. Thank you for never rubbing my face in it that people died because I wanted a sneak preview of married life with An, by the way."

Buffy still looked puzzled but interested nonetheless.

"That song's been going through my head ever since…." Xander choked on the rest of the thought. "The words we sang were all about the little nitpicking things that bugged us about each other and how we'd never tell." He laughed ruefully. "Of course, all those things poured out in the song, so they weren't secret anymore. I mean, how shallow is it to get wigged out over smelly cheeses and hairy toes anyway?"

Buffy had to laugh. "You mean that was the worst of your worries? Which one of you was the Hobbit?"

"Hey, I said hairy toes, not whole feet." Xander playfully smacked Buffy on the upper arm. "No, there were bigger fears that came out. Too bad we didn't talk about it after the musical closed. Maybe I wouldn't have become the world's biggest jerk on Anya's happiest day."

Buffy understood regret more than she could begin to say and wanted to comfort Xander in some way, even knowing there were no words that powerful. "I'm sure Anya was coming around to understanding and forgiving. I know she never stopped loving you."

"Yeah, that's my An, always doing the stupid," Xander said with a sob. "She was so scared of dying. Did you know that?" Buffy shook her head in the negative. "Not there at the end. She was actually pretty prepared to do or die there at the end. I mean before. She was so afraid of getting old. Of me not wanting her any more. Of facing mortality-that was the hardest thing for her."

"Well, she didn't have to worry about it for, like, longer than anybody we've ever met," Buffy acknowledged.

"True," Xander agreed. "She was still working out the kinks of what it meant to be human and then I drove her back to being a demon again. Too bad she didn't stay one; she'd have survived the battle. Maybe you could have even made a vengeance wish against the First for what it did to Spike, saved us all the battle. God, Buffy, I don't know what to think! I was always so anti-demon and here I am wishing Anya still was one. It just wouldn't matter, not if it meant she was still alive, still with me."

"Yeah, I get that. Like Spike's soul…," Buffy whispered. "It wasn't that important in a lot of ways. It was so mind-blowing that he went and got it for me and I know it mattered in some way, but really he'd earned my love without it. In the end that sooo important soul's what burned bright enough to take out all the Turok Han. You should have seen him, Xan," Buffy exclaimed with tear-filled eyes. Anyone could see the pride in her expression, hear it in her voice. Spike had died well. Well or not, though, he was still ash.

Xander had no words for Buffy either. It had been obvious those last few months that the emotions between Slayer and Vampire were quite genuine. Xander had even come to grudgingly admit Spike wasn't all bad, even had redeeming qualities. Now he just hoped they'd redeemed him enough. It didn't seem right that the one being who had just saved the world might be in hell paying for his sins of the past. Xander wisely kept those thoughts to himself.

"It'll be kinda funny seeing Dead Boy again after what Anya told me though," Xander mused aloud.

"Whadda you mean?" Buffy sensed a story that would be new to her. As far as she knew, Anya'd had only the briefest encounters with Angel, in spite of the number of years she had been a part of the Scooby group.

"We talked a lot there at the end. Anya told me lots of stories that I used to ask her to shut up about-you know, vengeance demon stories. We all used to cringe when she'd start on those!"

"Well, they were cringe-worthy," Buffy reminded him. "She'd practically glow with the happies at the memory of making some guy's penis fall off or some village come down with some terrible disease or something."

"That's my girl," Xander admitted. "We just didn't get that she was actually just proud of doing her job well. Yucky, evil job, but pride in one's work is understandable, I guess. She didn't have many boosts to her self-esteem, I suppose, and having D'Hoffryn approve of her work meant a lot."

"I guess," Buffy grudgingly agreed. "Like Spike and his stories… it wasn't the evil he was proud of, but memories of being the Big Bad, full of power and strength."

They both looked at each other and began to laugh.

"Nope, just doesn't make THOSE memories any better," Buffy sputtered to Xander's agreement. "Guess we just finally learned to love them, complete with their flaws…like they did us."

The mood sobered again at that thought.

"So what was the Angel story?" Buffy wanted anything to stop thinking of all she had lost by making Spike her champion. "Spill. I could do with a bedtime story."

"Anya was afraid you would find out about this and go all slay-happy on her, but I don't think she'd mind me telling you now." Xander leaned back in his chair and took a deep breath as he related the tale Anya had told to him as they shared their darkest secrets in the weeks before Armageddon.

Xander still looked a bit nervous as he began. "Yeah, well, it's about that whole cursed soul thing…." Buffy's eyebrow rose, indicating an interest.

~~~  
><strong>Weeks earlier in the Summers basement:<strong>

Post-coital in Spike's bed, Anya and Xander snuggled in afterglow. God how he had missed this, missed her!

"Did I ever tell you about that whole 'have a happy, lose the soul' part of Angelus' curse?" Anya asked through half-lowered lashes.

"No, but since I was here for that show and you weren't, I don't know what more you can add that I didn't live through. Besides, I'm not sure I like you thinking of Dead Boy just after we've made hot monkey love. Maybe it's the whole vampire's bed thing. Gotta look into moving locations," Xander mused.

Anya playfully swatted her ex and continued, "No, silly! Of course I wasn't here yet. I think I was in Asia somewhere that year, but all the demon world knew about it. I was pretty proud at the time too, let me tell you. D'Hoffryn was pouring the praise on."

"Actually, I got double kudos on that one," Anya continued. "When I went back to Arashmahaar after you dumped me in front of all our friends and ripped my heart out, I found out a lot of things Angel's been up to." Anya ignored the pained look on Xander's face at her blunt reminder of his darkest deed.

"I had lower beings coming up to me with congratulations on my bit of vengeance that just kept on giving," Anya continued. "Who would have thought one little spell a hundred years ago could still be so pesky?"

"Okay, slow down, An." Xander tried to follow this story of his beloved's and her questionable past. "Are you saying you had something to do with Angel and his curse?"

"Of course, silly! Do you think a masterful curse like that one just grows on trees? No siree, Bob, something that clever takes a lot of thought and consideration. Of course, all the old gypsy woman wanted was a spell to punish the evil vampire that had killed her favorite daughter."

Anya noticed the horrified look on Xander's face and hastened to point out, "Hey, she wasn't the first one who wanted a vengeance curse on Liam Connor Burke! He was a one-man destroyer of womankind and that was even before he became a vampire!

"His father had lots of money, one of the planted Protestant families, the Burkes, who married beneath him. His dad could own a business being Protestant, they had lots of silly laws back then, but he married a Catholic girl named O'Connor and Liam was always treated like some kind of half-breed, but the girls all liked his looks anyway. He got half the servant girls in Galway in trouble or turned off before he was even twenty! Oh, yeah, lots of vengeance wishes on that one." Anya laughed at the memory. "I could have made an entire career on him alone at one point."

Xander digested what he heard thus far and asked, "Okay, Angel was a jerk from the start, I'm on board with that…still, how do you figure in on the whole curse thing?"

"I'm getting there," Anya said with a peeved voice. "The old gypsy called on me and I delivered, just not exactly what she thought she was asking for. See, they wanted him to be guilt-ridden for eternity, but what's the fun in that? I mean, that's what eternal punishment is for, isn't it? That's a Higher Power gig."

Xander shrugged, "I suppose so. Maybe they wanted to watch it for a while."

"Oh, yeah, everyone is still watching that one," Anya said with pride. "See, there was no point in having Angelus get Liam's soul. That one was already so corrupt that no amount of cursing was going to get a sufficient amount of guilty feelings. So I worded the curse I gave the gypsy to put 'A' soul in Angelus, a soul that would feel guilt, tons of it. Liam's would have been far too unstable."

Xander looked shocked. "You mean Angel's soul isn't even his own!"

"Yeah, now it is," Anya went on to explain. "When he lost it and that teacher tried to recreate the original spell, they worded it differently. He got his own soul back that time, and no 'out' clause either."

"So he has Liam's soul….his soul now?" Xander asked, perplexed.

"Uh huh, and if you saw the things I did, you'd believe it! I'm sure if Buffy looked into Angel's closets there in L.A. she'd see some dirty laundry! Like I said, Liam's soul is too corrupt to hold up against any selfish desire he has. He'll be just like any human loser who can justify any bad decision that gets them what they really want. Those W&H people are counting on it, in fact."

Xander tried to put all those pieces together and still didn't see the big picture. "All right, you cursed him with someone else's soul so he'd feel the guilt the gypsies wanted and made it slippery too. By the way, what about the poor guy the soul belonged to?"

"Oh, it was okay, I had it pick a soul with a martyr complex," Anya said offhandedly. "When he lost it, the soul was finally released to its reward and all that sappy stuff."

"Why did you make it so that he could lose the soul anyway? That always seemed kind of stupid to me," Xander remarked.

Anya looked affronted and swatted Xander with more force than he expected. "Alexander Harris, you just don't understand my job at all. You never give the customer exactly what they want. If it were that simple everyone would just go out and get vengeance on their own, like Willow did last year. There always has to be payback on the larger scale. We'd be sorry excuses for demons if we operated the way you suggest."

Xander thought about it for a moment and conceded the point that demon ways were not his own. "But why that perfect happiness stuff? Lots of people could get hurt that way-they DID get hurt, even dead!"

"It wasn't _perfect happiness_, you dope!" Anya shook her head at the misunderstanding. "To lose that soul Angel had to perfectly achieve the goals of both the soul and the demon. I guess you could call that perfect happiness."

"Still not getting it, An," Xander admitted.

Anya sighed deeply and tried to explain in a way Xander would understand. "Okay. After the curse, Angel still hung around Darla trying to kiss up to her, still be the main vamp in her life. He only ate criminals and bad guys though, and Darla knew he'd lost his edge."

_Listening to Xander's reminiscence intently, Buffy's mind went to an encounter with Spike and gasped at the implications as the memory flooded her._

Spike had tried to help Buffy by taking on a pair of ordinary muggers only to get zapped by the chip. He had made the point that the Initiative should have made an exemption for bad guys to the 'no eating of humans' provision.

"Yes, because muggers deserve to be eaten," Buffy had replied smugly.

The conversation was a variation on a theme with Buffy taking the high moral ground with the unsouled vampire who was trying his best to live by human rules. She had walked away from Spike, throwing back words that reminded him he would never have a chance with her because he was evil and beneath her.

Now she had to face the fact that even her precious Angel had thought it acceptable to eat certain humans. Spike had never thrown that in her face either.

"Um, Buffy, if you'd rather I not tell you any more of this, I'll understand. I was just remembering about Anya, and me and my big mouth didn't think about how the whole Angel part might upset you," Xander apologized and began to rise.

Buffy put a restraining hand on him and smiled up at her grieving friend. "No, Xander, Angel is SO not the issue. Don't mind me, I was just lost in a thought is all. I really do want to hear Anya's story. Maybe I should buy a clue before we all pile in on Angel and his crew."

**Back in the basement of revelations**

"Wow, we all thought Angel was, like, this rat-eating brood boy. I didn't know he still followed that 'ho around!" Xander exclaimed in genuine shock.

"I think Angelus really cared for Darla, at least as much as he could any woman," Anya said, shaking her head in affirmation.

"Let's see, where was I?" Anya searched her memory to pick up the threads of the conversation. "That's right, the curse! So the gypsies wanted him forced to wallow in guilt and not have a single moment free of misery and that's what they got. Of course that 'single moment' gave me an out clause to set the fox among the chickens. Hey, it was my job!" Anya defended herself against the look Xander gave her. "How was I supposed to know I'd wind up knowing and caring about people it hurt?"

Xander gave the out clause his thought and asked, "So I don't get it: if the soul of a good but wacky person and the demon with the big bad rep both had to get their goals met to free up the soul, what was it? We always just figured it was the-well, you know, the sex with Buffy-that did it."

"Stupid Angel just thought it was **sex**. He tried to lose the soul by sleeping with Darla and got his son out of it," Anya revealed, to Xander's amazement.

"Look, the soul was in love with Buffy. She was sweet and cute and the souled part was all protective and mushy over her. To have her love him too and consummate that love WAS the ultimate for the soul. Angelus just loved to corrupt innocence. What could be more of a coup than to take the virginity of a young, innocent Slayer, the embodiment of good and purity? Naturally, the demon was crowing with glee. Both parts were happy and 'good-bye, soul'."

"Ewwww, are you saying Angelus was turned on by Buffy because of her innocence?" Xander felt a little dirty at the thought.

"Sure. When the rep for the Powers showed Buffy to Angel she was sitting on the school steps sucking on a lollipop, for God's sake! The demon took one look at all that wholesome schoolgirlyness and couldn't wait to get his fangs and cock in her. When the soul actually fell for her, it all just fell into place." Anya smiled in recollection.

"There was a big betting pool in Arashmahaar about when the soul was going to go walkies. I think Bindar the Obtuse won. It probably would have happened sooner, but Angel kept away from humans for the most part a long time after Darla threw him out."

Xander was getting a very different view of Angel with this story, one that didn't seem to match the hero of the people they had all believed the souled vampire to be. "Come on, Anya, Angel's the Champion of the Powers, the vampire on the side of good."

Anya nearly spit out the mouthful of limeade she had just swallowed, she was laughing so hard. "Boy, did he have you guys buffaloed! He did a couple of hero-y kinda things, but only because he was blackmailed once and interested in the girl the other time. Except for that, Angel just avoided people and brooded. It wasn't until the Powers tagged him to help Buffy that he started helping by choice and he only did it half-assed then until he moved to L.A. Now he has a Messiah complex of unbelieveable proportions … thinks the Powers have whole prophecies on him. The survival of eternal goodness revolves around Angel and his actions…pfffft."

"That sounds like Angel," Xander admitted. "Wait, you said that now he has Liam's soul and it isn't so lily white. What do you mean?"

Anya leaned in conspiratorially and almost whispered. "I saw things after I went back to work for D'Hoffryn. Everyone kept congratulating me on the curse that just keeps on causing havoc and I got curious enough to check in on Angel…not that he knows, of course," she added.

"Willow used Miss Calendar's re-creation of my spell and Angel got his own soul back. That makes him better than Angelus, a lot better, but that soul's tricky. Just like your soul doesn't automatically make you good or make you choose the right path, neither does Angel's," Anya explained. "Also, there's no built-in guilt thing. He can feel it or not. He feels it more from habit now."

"Just in the first few years out on his own, he didn't have any problem locking a bunch of evil lawyers in with Darla and Dru to munch on. True, they were laywers and evil, but the other soul wouldn't have been able to make that choice. Liam could." Anya nodded decisively.

"Okay, I'm not getting the whole Darla thing. Angel dusted Darla the first year Buffy started slaying here in SunnyD," Xander remarked, confused.

"Those lawyers she later ate brought her back as a human. She hated it and was dying of syphilis, so she tried to get Angel to turn her. He wouldn't, but Dru did," Anya explained.

Xander's head was spinning. "Wait…Darla was undusty and human, then a vampire again, then-what, had a kid?"

"Well, technically, she got pregnant just before she got turned. Angel was in a bad place and part of him just wanted to lose the soul and lose himself. He was mighty surprised when he woke up soul intact. Darla was pissed too. Talk about performance anxiety and Darla was a professional!" Anya smiled at the memory of what she had been allowed to see played back for her enjoyment.

"It was a whole mystical thing…baby of prophecy … that kind of thing. Anyway, to get back to the point, Liam was right there with the idea of having his soul fucked out by Darla. Only problem was that Willow's spell doesn't have an out clause. The only way Angel can lose his soul now is through magic of some kind to extract it. Besides, if all it took was being really, really happy, Angel would have lost that soul when he became a daddy!" Anya had felt a few rumbles recently that made her wonder if someone had figured out how to get the soul out of the vampire after all.

"I think I can kinda see why Angel might let Darla and Dru have at it with the lawyer buffet, since they brought Darla back to start with, but that doesn't prove Angel is evil," Xander said and wondered to himself at his defense of Dead Boy.

"No, and I never said he was evil, just more easily led into questionable choices, that's all," Anya reminded Xander. He didn't understand it wasn't just a matter of semantics. That was the problem with these humans and their 'black/white, soul/no soul' view of good and evil. Things were rarely that simple.

"He tried to suffocate his friend too, when Wesley got tricked into thinking he had to kidnap Angel's baby to keep it safe from him. Angel still hasn't really forgiven him, even though they are working together, in a way," Anya revealed.

"Wow, so you wrote the original curse, the one that blew up in all our faces?" Xander shuddered at the thought.

"Why do you think I never wanted Buffy to find out?" Anya shuddered along with Xander. "I never expected to know or care about anyone it would affect, so it's not like I did it on purpose."

Xander sat in silence, trying to take in all he had learned, and then asked, "What happens if Buffy and Angel figure out his soul is permanent and get together? From what you just told me, this kinda isn't the same Angel Buffy knew and loved before he lost the soul. This guy can be an even bigger jerk than that one, the kind of guy who could do major damage even with a soul. I think we should warn Buffy, tell her about the whole corrupt soul thing."

"NO!" Anya shouted in horror. "My God, Xander do you WANT her to run a sword through me again. I'm human this time and I don't think I'd be coming back from something like that. No! Besides, I don't think Angel really wants Buffy that way anymore. He's kinda moved on. I think he's crazy about Cordy now."

Xander blinked in amazement at that concept. "Buffy can be a strong lure. Angel might change his mind."

"Please, if he really wanted Buffy, he would never have rolled back that day when he became human again!" Anya snorted.

"Once more with the huh?" Xander prompted.

"Not long after Angel left town, he was turned human again. A Morah demon. Very rare, but it can work. Anyway, it was the day Buffy went to visit in L.A. after our first Thanksgiving. Angel had spent all that time trying to convince Buffy and himself that she needed some normal human guy to give her the life she should have and suddenly, by a miracle, he could _be_that guy. They spent the day with blissful orgasms and then Angel realized he wasn't so powerful anymore. Oh, he tried to tell himself it meant he couldn't help Buffy when she needed him, but you didn't see him show up when we had to fight Glory, did you? Where is he now, for that matter? No, that soul of Liam's didn't like giving up the power he has a vampire, being the weaker one in the relationship. He made a deal with the Powers and rolled time back to undo the cure," Anya revealed.

"Wow. I take it Buffy doesn't know?" Xander asked haltingly.

"Of course not, it never happened, not after it got rolled back. Oh, he told her just before time moved back. It was all Romeo and Juliet revisited, but it was too late for Buffy to change anything even if she wanted to," Anya rolled her eyes.

"And you found all this out when you became Anyanka again?" At Anya's nod, Xander asked, "So how come I don't remember Angel having a kid?"

Anya looked confused. "I really don't know why, but I swear on all the lower beings it's the truth."

"Wow," Xander breathed, "Wow. Still think Buffy should know. You know, when all this is over. She should know that Angel might go bad even with a soul. I really don't want to know how bad it could get if the worst happened."

"We'll see, okay? Let's just beat the First first. You know, that really is a silly name for the big bad." Xander and Anya giggled at the thought.

~~~  
><strong>Back to the poolside chat<strong>

"Anyway, since we're headed to Angel Central, I think Anya would want you to know the whole deal," Xander finished. "I'm not telling you not to trust Angel. I guess I just thought you'd want to know all the facts, so YOU can make the decisions for a change where he's concerned."

Xander rose and yawned. "You know, I think maybe Anya wanted me to tell you, because for the first time since we left her back there, I think I can sleep. I feel like a little weight's been lifted, you know? Sometimes you have to do things when the time's right and I keep missing that boat. I'm going to try to change that." Xander started towards the iron gate of the pool fence. "How about you, Buff? You gonna get some sleep?"

"Maybe in a while. I have some ghosts of my own to deal with. You know, Spike was always honest with me, whether it was that he planned to kill me or whatever. He always let me make my own choices. I always thought that if I compared Angel and Spike that I'd never see Spike as the better man, but I guess I finally am seeing him. Bit too late."

Buffy sat up, trying to digest all she had learned about herself, Spike, and even Angel. Suddenly the idea of heading to L.A. and allowing Angel to be in a place where he could so easily manipulate her again didn't appeal. Maybe some distance was a better idea all around. Buffy decided to try for some sleep and maybe call Angel in the morning with a report on how the battle went down and how Spike died a champion, her champion.

Giles wanted to take the slayers to Europe and start rebuilding the Council. Perhaps that was the direction she should take. After all, her cookies had baked in that inferno of a Hellmouth earlier. Only problem was that the one she wanted to give them to had burnt in the same flames.

~*~  
>Epilogue<p>

Buffy grimaced as she listened to Angel try to order her life over the telephone. He was making plans without even asking her what she wanted to do now that Sunnydale was gone. 'Typical,' she thought and rolled her eyes in irritation.

"Angel, NO, we are NOT coming to L.A. …I don't care how much room your unused hotel has." She sighed as he continued to list the reasons they should join him there. Somehow she just knew without asking that Giles would be in full agreement with her.

"No, Giles would NOT disagree with my decision," Buffy said, and thought, 'Not this time, not about this anyway.'

"Angel, Giles is very concerned to hear that you are working at Wolfram and Hart. He thinks Willow's re-ensouling may not have worked…No, I don't think that too…well, because there's no pile-up of bodies or rash of pet torture, that's why." She had decided not to reveal Anya's secret confession to Angel. No good could possibly come of it and it might be better if Angel felt he had to take some care to keep his soul intact.

Buffy hadn't wanted a long conversation, but it was turning into one against her will. Naturally, it would be as long as Angel wanted, on his terms, as with everything else.

Xander patted Buffy's shoulder in sympathy and motioned that he was headed back to his room. Knowing Dead Boy, Buffy might be in for a longer conversation than she needed to have after that battle.

"Look, just listen for a minute. You haven't even asked how it went down; you just started laying out plans for us, for me." Buffy was silent as Angel sputtered an argument and then promised to listen at last.

"Obviously, we won, or Spike won it for us with that doo-dad you brought to us. He didn't make it; neither did Anya and several of the girls. You'll notice a lot more slayers now than just me and Faith. Don't panic, we plan to find and train them. You might want to look over your shoulder for a while though, until we explain the exceptions to the rule of slayage." Buffy filed that thought away to discuss with Giles later.

Angel went off on a tangent about Spike that Buffy wisely tuned out. The last thing she wanted was another discussion about her feelings for Spike with Angel!

"Look, what you want for me doesn't matter now. No, it doesn't matter, period. Spike is dust. He died a hero, **my**hero. Let it go." Angel was like a dog with a bone and Buffy finally could see it. There was no future for them, even if her cookies were baked and she still felt the same about Angel as she had as a girl. His soul situation and Angelus' lack of lovability made that impossible, no matter how long she baked! Still, Angel didn't want anyone else to have her love, especially Spike.

"Angel, I'm not doing this with you, okay? I was wrong to let you think we had a possibility for a future. We both know that ship sailed a long time ago." Buffy waited as Angel professed his undying love and sorrow over their doomed romance yet again.

"We're going to Europe, Angel. I'd prefer not to be in touch with you, especially if you're going all 'Spike's evil and could never have loved you' all the time. You're the one with the evil bosses," Buffy said firmly.

Angel gave it one last try, reminding her of their glorious past and professions of eternal oneness. "Angel, I was a kid in love for the first time. I really loved you with my whole heart, but see, my heart hasn't been whole since you left. I said it would have to be never for me to stop being your girl. Well, Angel, never came. I'm going to hang up now. Don't try to hunt me down; I'm not yours to worry about anymore."

~fin


End file.
